February 20, 2018, 6:06 am
Is it possible that Republicans don’t want to do anything about school shootings because they don’t mind if people are scared enough to support school choice vouchers, which would allow schools to become segregated again?
I hate to be that cynical, but such are the times we’re living in.
February 16, 2018, 1:13 pm
One good thing has come from all the mass shootings America endures on seemingly an almost-daily basis: with all the Republicans offering their thoughts and prayers for the shootings to stop (instead of, you know, enacting laws and stuff), we now have empirical evidence that God does not listen to Republican prayers.
I'd say that's progress.
Since God doesn't care what you want, GOP, how about stop basing so much of your policies on your misunderstanding of what you think he wants?
February 14, 2018, 10:22 pm
I have to use this disclaimer a lot: I'm a gun owner. I'm a supporter of the Second Amendment right to possess firearms.
But I'm also sick of children dying because the gun lobby has bought enough politicians to make sure there is no legal way to prevent psychopaths from using guns to murder dozens of innocent people.
I have a shotgun. A. Shotgun. I don't own an assault rifle. I don't own a rifle at all. I don't own a pistol. If you come to my house intending to do me or my wife or children harm, I can unlock my ammunition box quickly enough to load my shotgun and blow your brains out. But if I wanted to go on a shooting rampage, I probably couldn't pull it off, because my shotgun is a single-shot breakover..
And that's the point. I can defend my family. I can kill a coyote. If I so desired, I could kill some game.
Gun assholes will argue that they need an arsenal to protect themselves against the government, but the truth is, the government possesses cruise missiles, tanks and nuclear bombs. If they want to kill you, you're dead, regardless of how many firearms you own.
So the fact is, our Second-Amendment rights allow us to provide game for our family and protect ourselves from ne'er-do-wells who might break in and threaten our families.
But that shit has gotten out of control.
We need some kind of legislation to make sure we de-arm the crazy fuckers who go into schools and kill dozens of people. Or malls. Or hotel rooms from which a nutbag can murder 500 people at a concert.
Enough is enough.
February 8, 2018, 11:11 am
The "Christianity" in America is nothing like the Bible's version of Christianity. I know; I was part of making it so.
Here's a test for you:
• Do you believe poor people need to get off their asses and work to receive help?
• Do you believe sinners need to repent (quit sinning) before (or after) they can be saved?
• Do you believe abortion is a worse sin in the eyes of God than lying is?
• Do you believe God financially blesses believers, and that if you're not blessed, something is wrong in your life?
° Sub-question: do you believe the richest among us are blessed because they're righteous?
• Do you believe calamities in your life are a result of sin?
• Do you believe people from other religions are going to hell?
If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, a) you're not a Christian, and b) you probably voted for Donald Trump and think he's a Christian.
• Never, in the entire time he was helping the poor, did Jesus first ask them to get off their asses and help themselves.
• The Bible is clear that Jesus died to cleanse every human of the guilt of sin, and even goes so far as to say "and believers too".
• The Bible goes on and on about how horrible and evil liars are, but never once mentions abortion.
• Jesus was clear that rich people are the hardest to reach with the good news, because they worship their possessions. Never did he promise to shower his followers with wealth.
• Poverty, sickness and trouble are no indication of spirituality at all. Some people just have bad days, weeks, years or lives, but that doesn't indicate any failing on their parts.
• Jesus proclaimed salvation to all people. Period. Anyone who tells you differently has an agenda and probably wants money from you.
I say all that because of this abomination. Trump saying anything aligning himself with Christianity is like Pepsi saying it is Coke.
February 3, 2018, 8:08 am
The orange idiot has been in office for a year now, so maybe we can actually start attributing some of the performance of the economy to him and his policies instead of him constantly taking credit for the Obama economy.
Let's see: biggest daily point fall since the December 2008 financial crisis that Obama rescued us from?
Yep, Trump is finally making a difference.
January 28, 2018, 9:21 pm
A disgraced cop teams up with his previously-unknown daughter's imaginary friend (a blue unicorn) to find the methed-out Santa who has kidnapped her.
Not the best idea ever for a TV show?
I disagree. The BEST ever idea for a TV show.
Based on the graphic novel of the same name from Grant Morrison and Darick Robertson, the Happy! TV show centers on a former cop, Nick Sax (Christopher Meloni). Now a hitman, Nick finds himself unmoored in a treacherous world full of murder and meaningless hook-ups. One day, though, his drunken, depressing existence is turned upside down by Happy (my favorite comedian Patton Oswalt), an imaginary unicorn.
As a big city police detective, Nick was something of a superstar. After losing everything, he finds himself pretty much on the skids. Now working as a killer for hire, Nick blows what little cash he earns on drugs and booze. Until Happy finds him and enlists him in a quest to find a daughter he conceived while he was cheating on his wife, who now is raising the girl by himself.
I know, sounds like a dumb concept. But believe me. You are missing out if you're not watching this show on the SciFi channel (or, like me, on AppleTV).
I wish I had written this concept and the execution of it. It's brilliant. OK, I could write more, but I have to get back to watching.
January 26, 2018, 4:16 pm
Me: All of my books are New York Times bestsellers. They're the best books. Incredible books. Everyone loves them. All the best people tell me that.
Fact checker: Not they're not. No one ever says that.
Me: I never said my books were bestsellers.
I guess this is my way of declaring my candidacy for president, the office whose only qualification seems to be inventing your own reality and then denying you did.
January 25, 2018, 9:09 am
Here's an interesting fact: Last year, the world's billionaires saw their collective wealth increase by 762 BILLION dollars. If those 2,000 people had donated just the increase in their wealth from that year, world poverty could have been completely eradicated.
They would all still be billionaires. With a B.
No billionaire will ever have to worry about money ever again. Ever.
In trickle-down economic theory, the more money we send the way of the ultra rich, the more they pass it on to the poor by creating jobs. But the truth is, they don't pass it on. They hoard it.
If they did pass it on, no one — read that again, NO ONE — would be poor.
Billionaires would all still be billionaires. They wouldn't miss a penny of it, because they'd still have more money than they could ever spend in their lifetimes. But we could eliminate poverty.
That is the most disgusting fact I could cite today.
January 22, 2018, 10:22 pm
I'm going to say something that will sound really weird coming from a guy who has been online longer than Facebook, Google and Amazon.com: Fuck the Internet.
It will be even weirder when you realize I make my living from the Internet.
So maybe I should dial it back to "Fuck Facebook." And other social media.
All social media has done is, oh, I dunno, rig a fucking Presidential election and convince me that, though everyone has an opinion, most of those opinions deserve to never be heard by anyone. Anywhere. Ever.
I could post a story about Mother Theresa rescuing an emaciated dog that had pulled three starving kids out of a river and fed them with its dying breast milk and some fucknut on the Internet would find a way to say "Fuck Mother Theresa, that priest-fucking whore" about the whole thing.
There are something like seven, eight, nine billion people on the planet, I lose track. And 98 percent (PFA) of them are full of shit and the complete lack of actual ideas. (PFA stands for Pulled From Ass).
In a world where 50 percent of American voters can be convinced to vote for a Cheeto with a bad hairpiece who proclaims that he can "grab them by the pussy" because he's famous and that Mexico will pay for a wall dividing it from the US and that one of the wealthiest men in America* is actually standing for the rights of the working man, I say fuck everyone. Or at least fuck everyone who voted for that brain-damaged man child with no impulse control.
* (Donald Trump is wealthy because his father intelligently invested in trusts and other financial instruments to ensure his son would be set for the rest of his life. Truth be told, the only things Donald has done have diminished his father's monetary vision and driven him into numerous bankruptcies)
I hate people. I hate white people. I hate black people. I hate Asians. I hate Native Americans. I sincerely, honestly and intensely hate a world where Kim Kardashian can have a bestselling book, while talented and inventive authors languish in self-published puddles of mediocrity. I hate that Jack Mound (a pseudonym closely related to the perpetrator's actual name) has a platform from which to espouse racism, anti-intellectualism and outright Trump-foisting lies in his defense of the fucking dumbest and most corrupt politician to ever squat in the oval office while blaming all the fat baldy's foibles on his predecessor, the greatest statesman and patriot this country has seen since before the 20th century dawned.
FUCK FUCK FUCK social media. Fuck the conservafucks led by Fox News and fucking drug-addicted Rush Limbaugh. Hey, guys, seriously, trickle-down economics DOES NOT WORK. Reagan was a senile actor pretending to be president, and his policies have been exposed for DECADES as completely delusional.
But I would worship Ronald Reagan a thousand times over if we could just wake up in a world where Donald Fucking Trump was not the president, where the Russians hadn't bought his votes in Wisconsin and Michigan, where the president of Russia hadn't used Facebook and other social media to convince you fucking retards (forgive the politically incorrect word) to vote for a moron who couldn't describe even one policy position without first using the words "incredible" and "awesome".
The internet is a tool for tools who vote for tools.
January 20, 2018, 9:21 pm
I know a lot of people say Richard Pryor is the greatest standup comedian of all time. And I get it. Dude was fucking hilarious. And the two people I'm about to mention wouldn't exist without him. Call him Number Three.
But I will say right now (and because there are no comments on this site, you have to just suffer through my opinion) Greg Giraldo was the greatest comedian of all time. Period. End of sentence. Full Stop.
Greg died in 2010 of a drug overdose.
But he was, beyond doubt, the greatest comedian of all time. Full stop. (Again)
Watch this and you will know why.
Never before or since has a comedian been able to dial directly into the soul of everything that was wrong and everything that was right about modern society.
But Number Two comedian is almost as good, and completely worthy of consideration.
My wife hates Sarah Silverman. Thinks she's gross and inappropriate.
And she's right. Sarah is gross. And inappropriate.
And that makes her hilarious.
She is, perhaps, the greatest comedian alive, because she does not care one bit what you think about her. Instead, she cares what is true and what is funny, which oftentimes are the same things.
I am a huge fan of Patton Oswalt, who I would pay any amount of money to see live, but the truth is, among living comedians, I would see Sarah first, then Patton, then Anthony Jeselnik and then Daniel Tosh.
Wrong is often right. And these comedians make it easy to love. Sarah, come to Oklahoma so I can see you. Also, Patton. And Anthony. And Daniel.
I'm sorry to say Greg Giraldo will never make it here. But he would find me in the front row.
December 27, 2017, 11:23 pm
Let me just establish my liberal creds right here: I am embarrassed by the fact that there are enough assholes and fucknuts in our country to elect Donald Trump president. A year later, I'm still struggling with the idea that this petulant, half-tard orange child is actually our president.
But we (and by "we," I mean the opposition) are doing ourselves no favors by swimming in the same "fake media" pool as the president, by promoting non-news as actual news, by supporting misleading headlines.
Melania Trump is removing a tree that needs to be removed. The tree she's removing was planted by Andrew Jackson (which, if you are an Indian like me, is enough fucking reason to have it removed), and it's falling down, held up by a complicated system of pulleys and cables, which are all failing. She's doing the right thing. The tree needs to come down.
But I'm not writing about the tree. I'm writing about the political discourse. Specifically, on what I'm now viewing as the ultimate evil: Facebook. If you want to stir liberals up, the formula is simple: take something they already hate (Trump) and add it to something liberals hold dear (antiques and trees) and stir in a little bit of patriarchal feelings (liberals wanting to "protect" the mail-order first lady) and you have the perfect storm: Oh, my god, Trump is forcing his purchased wife to remove A HISTORIC AND BEAUTIFUL TREE!
And this is what's wrong with American political discourse. Yes, we hate Trump. Yes, we think Melania is a sex-trafficked victim of his white supremacist, homophobic and oligarchic administration. Yes, we love foliage.
But come on. Sometimes, it's just the end of the road, even for trees.
Cut the old fucker down and let it rest in peace. In fact, chop it up into kindling and burn Andrew Jackson's Indian-fucking corpse to ashes.
American politics will never move forward positively until we isolate the discourse to the things that matter: a president who seemingly colluded with a hostile foreign power to destroy the American political system, a president who hates people of color, gender orientation other than heterosexual, and a president who is emotionally, physically and mentally unfit to lead a scout troop, much less the most powerful and rich nation in the history of the planet. We don't need to be bitching about fake scandals to hate and want to remove the orangest and most pedantic president in history.
Facebook enables us to indulge in our most horrible and basest conceits.
And you can quote me on this:
Facebook is a place for inane and vapid sentiments devoid of emotion or depth, fake news, self-aggrandizement and for assholes to bleat gobs of shit at people who’d never otherwise have to smell it.